The Halls are Empty

It has been several weeks since I could bring myself to sit at this spot and add to this site. Many have said, when will we see any new pics? Are you ever going to tell us how it is? For me,when times are tough, I need to be by myself. This is how I heal. This is how I move on. This is how I have spent the last several weeks, learning to adjust with the new twist in the road called life. How do you prepare for change? This change more than any, you know is coming. You know even before you begin the journey. Even before they are conceived. If you are lucky and I do not necessarily consider this true at this moment and that too is changing but, if you are lucky and you have made it to the point in life where you have had a child and they have made it to the stage where they are ready to move out and begin their own life how do you move on? Why are we not told somewhere along the way, that this will be a huge change and will feel like a major loss? Wouldn't it be fair to sit new parents down and explain, now you have the next 18 years to raise them and enjoy them and then...But nobody ever told me or was I just not listening or perhaps I was tuning them out because then, maybe it would never come to be. Well, it has come to be and it was not a part of parenting I was prepared for. I loved the baby times and the toddler years when they wobbled. The food all over the face and through the hair...I loved the endless soccer practices and the games we sat in sleeping bags with snow falling all around. I was lucky enough to be able to homeschool my children and so those reports, books, tests, experiments were all things I got to share with them and enjoy. The year it was way too cold to go outside to play in the leaves, so we filled bags with leaves and brought them all into the dining room and played for hours! The endless trips to the doctor and the ER. The many gardens we planted and the hours and days we spent putting up all the veggies and fruit from those gardens. The band competitions and the fundraisers once they decided to join public school. The endless teens and the continual trips to get more groceries. The studying colleges and ideas for the future. The dances and award ceremonies. All of these and more. The years have passed and have been leading us to this moment. How did I not know? When you pack up that van and you make one last walk through the empty room...Remaking his bed three times in his dorm room to make it just right! Taking the final walk to the van to say goodbyes and driving away through tears. The drive home is bad, they all told me. But what about the next day and the following week? What about when my alarm goes off for school and I have one less child to rise from those dreams. Why didn't they teach you somewhere along the way how it would feel to see that empty room and close the door for days before entering to clean up the mess? This is the class I should have had. This is the guidance an elder should have given me. When they are gone, there will be pain. It will be real and it will seem to be endless. The calls come and the laughter rings through. The excitement about classes, friends, new adventures and the food fill our daily conversations. The new ideas and goals! The detailed stories. The dreams and the funny situations. The empty room is clean now and I plan to paint it soon. I spend time reading and watching tv in it. I remember when...and I smile. Life goes on. The empty halls that we saw on move-in day are now filled with classmates. Books are open. Parties are going. New frienndships are beginning and new beginnings are occurring for teens all over the world. My son has moved on and I am one of the lucky ones! I loved the time he lived with us and taught us so very much about the world and all it has to give and I am learning to deal with the pain and the loss that seems so permanent and enjoy our new relationship and all he continues to share with me and teach me daily! So...would I do it all again? You bet!!! And if I am lucky, I will be packing up the van and preparing to go through this pain and the loss of this stage of parenting all over in two years when my daughter moves on. And then, I will find my quiet space and take the time to heal that I have this time. And if I am so blessed, I will come out of it as I have this time with a beautiful new beginning and a whole new relationship with yet another amazing teen. May we all take the time to feel our losses so that we can truely love life and all the gifts we are given.
Blessed Be-